Mask Off

Everyone has insecurities but nobody likes to talk about them openly. I’m here to tell you it is completely normal and okay. You should have no shame in sharing what you are insecure about with people who love and care for you. The right people in your life will not judge you. They are always there for you no matter what. I am going to share my insecurities to show others that they are not alone.

People tell me that I come off as a very confident person. Some people have even gone far enough to say that I can be arrogant at times. Yes, I am very proud of my accomplishments and my job that gives me the work life balance most people only dream of…but do you want to know the truth behind my “arrogance?” It masks my biggest insecurity that comes with my career.

I am afraid that I will never have it all.

Money and recognition mean nothing to me if I have nobody in my life to share that with. My insecurities about my job choice have gone so far sometimes that I imagine what my life would be like if I did not have to make such big sacrifices. I have met so many amazing people since I started my job two years ago. It’s nice to meet others who have so much in common with you right off the bat. It seems like you have to be a certain type of person to be in a job that is very selfless, committed to a higher cause, and not motivated by money.

It seems like my personal life has gone through the same cycle over and over again: meet someone, hit it off immediately, talk about life, realize we are going to two different places (physical location or career wise), and drift apart. I talk to a lot of my friends in my career field who tell me the exact same thing. The majority of their potential relationships end because one or both of them move away or they work through the move and a long distance relationship gets strained a few months later. It happens so much to me that I’m prepared for all the typical responses:

“You are moving too far.”
“I can’t do long distance.”
“I will not move for you and I don’t want you to move for me.”
“You have too much going for you to leave your job.”

It’s hard to watch my friends stay in one place after graduating college, settle down, buy a house, get married, have babies, and celebrate life’s milestones with their families. While this is happening, I’m moving to a new location far away, making new friends, adjusting to my job, and coming home to an empty apartment every night. I fill my time with family visiting, hanging out with friends on the weekend, volunteering after work as a crew coach, working out, and travelling…but the looming fear of getting stuck in this lifestyle alone drives my insecurities through the roof.

Half my friends will tell me to stay in New York because my job has given me everything I wanted career wise, while some friends tell me that I’m overacting and I should just focus on myself.

In the meantime, I’m going to just pray and believe that God has a plan for me that is greater than I can dream of. Even if you’re not religious or spiritual, something good will come your way. I believe that certain friendships or relationships are not meant to last forever, but the right people will always find a way back into your life. I grew out of high school and college friendships just for them to form again later on in my life. As insecure as I am about my personal life, I truly believe that the right person will help me learn how to compromise while supporting my decisions.