Oh 2017. To say this year was a whirlwind would be an understatement. Your social media timelines are probably flooded with people reflecting on how happy their lives were. Nobody wants to show you the negative parts of their year because we’re afraid of looking vulnerable and being judged. A big part of my year was allowing myself to open up to others to let them know that they’re not alone.
This year was actually amazing but I let the negative make me forget about the positive. I went through a lot of personal battles with myself by allowing myself to let people determine how I feel.
When I started to feel like my life was in order, I allowed myself to get back into the idea of falling in love again. I fell hard, fast, and for a lot of wrong people. I let one to two word text messages decide if I was going to have a good day or not. I read too deeply into simple acts of kindness that never meant anything more. I held on to one nice thing someone would do for me. I was settling for crumbs. I wanted more but I just settled.
I was starting my days hoping that a simple “hello” or “good morning” text would appear on my phone. I would continually check my phone throughout the day to see if I got texts back. When I saw that I was left on “read” or my Snapchat was “opened” without a reply, I felt a small stab at my ego. I would check if he liked any of my photos or posts on social media. I would send cute messages hoping he would ask me out on another date. When my attempts failed, I felt like I was unloved, unwanted, and spent a lot nights crying to my friends about how I felt like I was never going to meet anyone ever again. Between my anxiety attacks and panicked phone calls I finally told myself that I hurt myself by wasting a lot of time, energy, and attention on the wrong people.
Unrequited love has been such a pattern in my life the past two years and I let the same patterns with the same types of people into my life. Each time it happens, I feel the same numbness but the “recovery time” is shortened. I allow myself to express my feelings and then I move on. The quicker I got over someone, the better I felt. I would start the next day reminding myself that I was happy before meeting them and I can be happy without them. I also reminded myself that my family and friends always returned the love, respect, and friendship that I gave to them.
Distractions helped me cope with my disaster of a “dating life.” I can’t even use the phrase “love life” because that is too strong to describe my feelings. My main distractions were traveling, working out, coaching crew, and surrounding myself around people who helped me feel loved.
Letting go of people who have no place in your life will be easier said than done. It will be a process and it may take more than a year. Open up to the right people in your life and remind yourself that you are loved. Start the New Year on the right note. Most of all don’t let the negative parts of your life make you forget about the good ones.
Here’s to an amazing 2018.